Secrets #3

Feelings make me very uncomfortable. Well, mostly it's just negative feelings. When people cry around me, I feel extremely awkward and am not sure what to do. I'm terrible at comforting people. Well I think I am anyway. Some people say I'm good at making them feel better. Once, my sibling was talking to me and just randomly burst out into tears. I realize that I should have comforted them, but I kind of felt really awkward, maintained my distance, and prayed for something or someone to interrupt the situation so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.
The other main emotion that I find that I'm bad at dealing with is anger. Not mine, I know how to deal with mine. When other people are mad, I become very timid and subservient. Oh, unless they're mad at me. If they're mad at me, I reflect what they do. If they freak out and yell at me, I will yell back. If they calmly talk, I talk. If they act aggressive, I may hit. However, if they lecture me and their anger is mixed with disappointment in me or something, I become a wall. I hear nothing, see nothing, and react to nothing. I wipe my face clear of all emotion or anything and wait until I'm alone. Then I reflect on what I've done and beat myself up. Other people can't lecture me correctly. I shut them out. Only I can lecture myself on what I did wrong.

Secrets #2

So today's secret is that I'm completely torn about what sort of person I am.

On one hand, I think I'm fairly selfless and generally a good person. On the other hand, I find myself to be the most repulsive, horrible, worst excuse for a person there is.

I'll start out with the bad because then I can sort of compliment myself afterwards and not feel so terrible. I've had two babies, I don't have either anymore. It's pretty much my own fault. I gave up too easily when things went downhill. I'm not terribly motivated, I don't know how to commit to anything, I just generally suck at most things that I try. It's awful. I'm going nowhere fast and I can't even use that as motivation to get my butt up and do something. I try, but then when I'm rejected I immediately lose all hope.

Now here's the positive. The bad things I do, they generally turn out good for other people. Like, my second baby, I knew that I would not be a good mother and I wouldn't be able to provide for her the way that she deserved. I let my cousin adopt her. I like that I can still see her every now and then, I also like that when she's old enough to ask questions, I'll be able to answer them if she wants me to. It makes me sad, but at least I know that she's happy, loved and is taken care of. My cousin also can't have babies so I'm happy I was there to help her achieve her dream of having a family. The other good thing about me is that I'm fairly selfless. Well, I guess that's also a fault. The way I am, if someone needs help and I can help them, I will. If a friend needs me to babysit, I will take a journey that involves half an hour on a bus, half an hour on a train, and then another half hour by car. When my mom needed help with a phone or car or whatever, I helped her. I did the same for my uncles. The reason I think it's also a fault is because I tend to give without any regard to myself. Heck, I even helped my ex-husband get a lawyer and get out of jail even though his hatred for me was well known.

Well, I suppose that's all for today.

Secrets #1

I've been inspired to start a blog about my secrets so here goes. Basically, each day I log in, I'm going to share a secret or two. I don't know yet if there will be details, but I think I'm just going to go with it.

I've been self destructive since I was about 15. The idea first popped in my head when I was 11 or 12, I'm not sure which. When I say self destructive, I literally just mean "harming oneself". I do it in more than just a physical way. I figuratively beat myself up on an hourly basis. I can't remember the last time I went a whole day without hating myself. Of course, I've also attempted suicide before, but obviously that didn't pan out how I thought it would. The worst part about that was when I told my best friend at the time, she just seemed bored by my talking and acted like it didn't matter. So, I quit telling people whenever I started to feel like that.

"Umm. Do you know who you're talking to?"

Okay so I just had an awesome Sunday- 2.5 hours ago. No need to get into detail on all that. All that you need to know, is it was amazing and I wish it could have lasted forever. Now, I'm seriously about to cry. I'm starving.

So, what happened was Grover picked me up. We went to Ogden Pizzeria. I felt iffy about it when we walked in. So I decided to suck it up and try to deal with it anyway. They brought us our cheesebread. It was then that I realized, I could not deal with it any longer. There was a freaking hair on it. Yuck. Now, any normal, decent human being would realize that hair = no longer edible. So of course, after pointing out that there was a hair, informed Grover that I would not be eating. He was angry and tried to tell me it was garlic. Hello dumbass!!! Garlic is not a short, black, thick hair. It's just not.

So then the pizza gets there and I looked at it in all it's cheesy glory. Normally, I'd think, "yum!" This time, all I could think was, "Omg. Who knows how many hairs is buried in that cheese? Omg or under toppings? Or even in the sauce? I don't know who made this. It could be the same person who made the cheese bread. Yuck. Yuck. Oh, hunger is gone now. I'll just drink my Root Beer. Oh crap. What if there's a hair in that too? Okay, nevermind. I have water at home."

Yep, he was mad. He told me to just freaking eat. So, as one can expect of me, I ate. Oooooh but that's not all. I grabbed the smallest slice, scraped everything off, and took a tiny bite.

"You have to let them chase each other or they'll never learn!"

Do you ever sit there and just feel amazed that this is your life and you actually are living it? I did for a while earlier. It wasn't a good amazed. My life is down right now. Ya know, I hate saying I'm down. The appropriate color is blue, but I don't feel very blue. Blue is relaxed for me. I feel... Orange. Icky and hectic.


These recent days have felt very orange today. Good grief, it's taking forever to type. I need to trim my nails. I keep pressing the wrong letter. So my sisters(?) were up at the crack of dawn today. Ha! They were up before dawn since it's still not light outside. Anyway, they were up and singing constantly. I had the urge to throw a shoe at the wall to shut them up, but it wouldn't have worked and that made me sad. Sometimes I do that to quiet down my cousin.


I think I wonder about things too much. Everything winds up crashing in on me and I think I'll drown.


I had an extremely odd dream last night. Scott and I lived in this very odd city. There were mansions, giant supermarkets, and a huge mall. The mall was in the middle and all the rodes were like bicycle spokes coming off of it. Well we got separated at the mall so Scott went to his friend's house who lifed like, 6 streets away from the street we had to take to get home so I was really sad. It started raining and since the malls entire roof was missing, they closed the mall and I had to walk home. It was weird because at one house I saw kids playing some strange apple game. I thought they were crazy. So I get home and it was just freaky. Turns out, from the outside, our home looks like a cardboard box. So I crawled in, it was really apartments I guess. All the walls were cardboard still and all the homes were little cubbies with a blanket hung in the front for a door. So, I went to crawl into our home (oh yeah, the hallways were really little so you had to crawl in them) and noticed we had a new neighbor. They were dogs. So the giant dog walks away and I notice that the medium but scary looking one starts trying to eat the tiny one. I was yelling at it and telling it not to when the giant one came back and jumped on me. He growled and said, "You have to let them chase each other or they'll never learn!" So of course I was really scared and crawled into the apartment/cubby and realized we actually had a really nice apartment. I could stand up and everything was just really nice in there. The only thing was we didn't have windows.


This is Eeka Eyes, signing off.

"Are you okay?"

That's the question of today. Am I okay? No. But who cares? I'll be okay eventually. I don't know why everyone keeps pressing me about it. Even the one who changed my status from "okay" to "not okay" doesn't know that they did it. I refuse to discuss. It's over with. Next topic.

It's seeming like I don't fully exist. I keep having these horrible dreams, too. Horrible in a good way I guess. I know that people have been trying to figure out dreams for pretty much ever, but I've decided to agree with whoever it is that first said that they're peeks into alter dimensions. I feel really bad for my alter selves. I definitely have a good life compared to them. What I don't like is that sometimes I go back to the same ones. I wonder if they have had dreams where they're me. If so, it's probably a pretty boring dream. Maybe I should live a bit more of an exciting life, just to make sure that they can have at least one good dream while they're in my head.

I suppose this has been an okay starting ramble.
This is Eeka Eyes, signing off.