Feelings make me very uncomfortable. Well, mostly it's just negative feelings. When people cry around me, I feel extremely awkward and am not sure what to do. I'm terrible at comforting people. Well I think I am anyway. Some people say I'm good at making them feel better. Once, my sibling was talking to me and just randomly burst out into tears. I realize that I should have comforted them, but I kind of felt really awkward, maintained my distance, and prayed for something or someone to interrupt the situation so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.
The other main emotion that I find that I'm bad at dealing with is anger. Not mine, I know how to deal with mine. When other people are mad, I become very timid and subservient. Oh, unless they're mad at me. If they're mad at me, I reflect what they do. If they freak out and yell at me, I will yell back. If they calmly talk, I talk. If they act aggressive, I may hit. However, if they lecture me and their anger is mixed with disappointment in me or something, I become a wall. I hear nothing, see nothing, and react to nothing. I wipe my face clear of all emotion or anything and wait until I'm alone. Then I reflect on what I've done and beat myself up. Other people can't lecture me correctly. I shut them out. Only I can lecture myself on what I did wrong.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Secrets #2
So today's secret is that I'm completely torn about what sort of person I am.
On one hand, I think I'm fairly selfless and generally a good person. On the other hand, I find myself to be the most repulsive, horrible, worst excuse for a person there is.
I'll start out with the bad because then I can sort of compliment myself afterwards and not feel so terrible. I've had two babies, I don't have either anymore. It's pretty much my own fault. I gave up too easily when things went downhill. I'm not terribly motivated, I don't know how to commit to anything, I just generally suck at most things that I try. It's awful. I'm going nowhere fast and I can't even use that as motivation to get my butt up and do something. I try, but then when I'm rejected I immediately lose all hope.
Now here's the positive. The bad things I do, they generally turn out good for other people. Like, my second baby, I knew that I would not be a good mother and I wouldn't be able to provide for her the way that she deserved. I let my cousin adopt her. I like that I can still see her every now and then, I also like that when she's old enough to ask questions, I'll be able to answer them if she wants me to. It makes me sad, but at least I know that she's happy, loved and is taken care of. My cousin also can't have babies so I'm happy I was there to help her achieve her dream of having a family. The other good thing about me is that I'm fairly selfless. Well, I guess that's also a fault. The way I am, if someone needs help and I can help them, I will. If a friend needs me to babysit, I will take a journey that involves half an hour on a bus, half an hour on a train, and then another half hour by car. When my mom needed help with a phone or car or whatever, I helped her. I did the same for my uncles. The reason I think it's also a fault is because I tend to give without any regard to myself. Heck, I even helped my ex-husband get a lawyer and get out of jail even though his hatred for me was well known.
Well, I suppose that's all for today.
On one hand, I think I'm fairly selfless and generally a good person. On the other hand, I find myself to be the most repulsive, horrible, worst excuse for a person there is.
I'll start out with the bad because then I can sort of compliment myself afterwards and not feel so terrible. I've had two babies, I don't have either anymore. It's pretty much my own fault. I gave up too easily when things went downhill. I'm not terribly motivated, I don't know how to commit to anything, I just generally suck at most things that I try. It's awful. I'm going nowhere fast and I can't even use that as motivation to get my butt up and do something. I try, but then when I'm rejected I immediately lose all hope.
Now here's the positive. The bad things I do, they generally turn out good for other people. Like, my second baby, I knew that I would not be a good mother and I wouldn't be able to provide for her the way that she deserved. I let my cousin adopt her. I like that I can still see her every now and then, I also like that when she's old enough to ask questions, I'll be able to answer them if she wants me to. It makes me sad, but at least I know that she's happy, loved and is taken care of. My cousin also can't have babies so I'm happy I was there to help her achieve her dream of having a family. The other good thing about me is that I'm fairly selfless. Well, I guess that's also a fault. The way I am, if someone needs help and I can help them, I will. If a friend needs me to babysit, I will take a journey that involves half an hour on a bus, half an hour on a train, and then another half hour by car. When my mom needed help with a phone or car or whatever, I helped her. I did the same for my uncles. The reason I think it's also a fault is because I tend to give without any regard to myself. Heck, I even helped my ex-husband get a lawyer and get out of jail even though his hatred for me was well known.
Well, I suppose that's all for today.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Secrets #1
I've been inspired to start a blog about my secrets so here goes. Basically, each day I log in, I'm going to share a secret or two. I don't know yet if there will be details, but I think I'm just going to go with it.
I've been self destructive since I was about 15. The idea first popped in my head when I was 11 or 12, I'm not sure which. When I say self destructive, I literally just mean "harming oneself". I do it in more than just a physical way. I figuratively beat myself up on an hourly basis. I can't remember the last time I went a whole day without hating myself. Of course, I've also attempted suicide before, but obviously that didn't pan out how I thought it would. The worst part about that was when I told my best friend at the time, she just seemed bored by my talking and acted like it didn't matter. So, I quit telling people whenever I started to feel like that.
I've been self destructive since I was about 15. The idea first popped in my head when I was 11 or 12, I'm not sure which. When I say self destructive, I literally just mean "harming oneself". I do it in more than just a physical way. I figuratively beat myself up on an hourly basis. I can't remember the last time I went a whole day without hating myself. Of course, I've also attempted suicide before, but obviously that didn't pan out how I thought it would. The worst part about that was when I told my best friend at the time, she just seemed bored by my talking and acted like it didn't matter. So, I quit telling people whenever I started to feel like that.
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