Secrets #2

So today's secret is that I'm completely torn about what sort of person I am.

On one hand, I think I'm fairly selfless and generally a good person. On the other hand, I find myself to be the most repulsive, horrible, worst excuse for a person there is.

I'll start out with the bad because then I can sort of compliment myself afterwards and not feel so terrible. I've had two babies, I don't have either anymore. It's pretty much my own fault. I gave up too easily when things went downhill. I'm not terribly motivated, I don't know how to commit to anything, I just generally suck at most things that I try. It's awful. I'm going nowhere fast and I can't even use that as motivation to get my butt up and do something. I try, but then when I'm rejected I immediately lose all hope.

Now here's the positive. The bad things I do, they generally turn out good for other people. Like, my second baby, I knew that I would not be a good mother and I wouldn't be able to provide for her the way that she deserved. I let my cousin adopt her. I like that I can still see her every now and then, I also like that when she's old enough to ask questions, I'll be able to answer them if she wants me to. It makes me sad, but at least I know that she's happy, loved and is taken care of. My cousin also can't have babies so I'm happy I was there to help her achieve her dream of having a family. The other good thing about me is that I'm fairly selfless. Well, I guess that's also a fault. The way I am, if someone needs help and I can help them, I will. If a friend needs me to babysit, I will take a journey that involves half an hour on a bus, half an hour on a train, and then another half hour by car. When my mom needed help with a phone or car or whatever, I helped her. I did the same for my uncles. The reason I think it's also a fault is because I tend to give without any regard to myself. Heck, I even helped my ex-husband get a lawyer and get out of jail even though his hatred for me was well known.

Well, I suppose that's all for today.